Book 2, Chapter 2: The Finger Period of Evil Contemplation

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Chapter 2 Summary:

Find out the main matches at the upcoming WrestleMania, and who Bigfoot is and why he’s after the Rock. Also, with Ballers losing a cast member, will Dwayne Johnson be able to find someone to fill the role? All this and more in the Chapter 2.

Recorded in Arcata, CA during the Savage Henry Independent Times Comedy Festival with Alyssa Cowan (Washington, DC / alyssapants.com / @alyssapants), Joshua Skillman (Denver, CO), Mitch Jones (Denver, CO / facebook.com/MitchJonesComedy / @comicmitchjones / @broadcastgeeks ), Nate Balding (Denver, CO / @exploder666 / @broadcastgeeks), and Dash Kwiatkowski (San Francisco, CA / @TheTrollverine / Instagram: TheTrollverine) in the background as the peanut gallery.

Note about this episode: I think we got Paul Scheer confused with Rob Corddry. Sorry about that! -Alyssa

Chapter 2

“The Finger Period of Evil Contemplation” is the name of the chapter.

So Sasquatch is after the Rock. The Rock is definitely not getting a title shot after this. The title he’s getting a shot at is just “murderer.”

The rock is trying to get rid of the body, and what he’s cooking is Hornswoggle’s body with bleach. This is the rock’s best heel turn…EVER.

The rock is fighting the devil; Dwayne Johnson is filming an episode of Ballers. The Rock is a shadow of Dwayne Johnson. They have to find the Professor Shango, because he has a tank where you can recombine the Rock and Dwayne Johnson. The tank is at WrestleMania; the road to WrestleMania will have the first genetic recombination match.

The Rock said he was going to stop Bigfoot from taking over Humboldt County and being the weed champion of Northern California. Bigfoot is running a dispensary; he needs to keep owning that so he can send his kid Dolph Ziggler to private school.

Paul Scheer has just left ballers, and he needs a replacement. Dwayne senses that his shadow is near a horse, and he thinks that horse could replace Paul Scheer. He’s on set, and he has that horse sense. He realizes that if he’s going to make Ballers season 7 happen, he’s going to have to reunite with his shadow and beat the devil. That’s when he realizes the road to WrestleMania is caked in blood.

Shadow Rock is hit with a haymaker by the devil. They’re still in the barn. It’s a barn match. It’s a genetic recombinator, fistfight, barnyard match. It’s a good old-fashioned barn brawl.

The devil knocks him, down, knocks his dick in the dirt. He punches him to the floor, and then punches his dick right off. It’s the devil’s finisher.

“My god! His dick has been broken in half,” says JR.

Shadow Rock realizes he’s been beaten, but he also has a physic connection with Dwayne Johnson, and he knows he needs that horse. He escapes on the horse, who’s making the funniest jokes ever.

The devil shakes his fist holding the dick he just knocked into the dirt. Shadow Rock’s dick is bigger than Hulk Hogan’s dick. The light hits it right, and with pyrotechnics, it looks rull big.

Meanwhile, Dwayne knows that Shadow Rock is going to be at WrestleMania. The UnderTaker comes in a cloud of smoke on the set of Ballers. Taker is a shadow of Mark Calaway, and he owns a building in Loveland, that’s all he does. Taker wants to take Scheer’s part, but the Rock knows he has to…. I mean Dwayne knows he has to wait for the horse to take Scheer’s part. Mark sits down for a table read.

Dwayne cuts a promo: “Ifffff yaaa smelll what the Rock is cooking.” *bwow bwowowwowwwww browww rock music bwoowww bwooww bwoow bowww bow*

“Did you memorize your lines, Taker?”

“…”

“It doesn’t matter if you…”

At that point UnderTaker smells Hornswoggle’s body, and realizes what it is, and he decides to bring Hornswoggle back together…to life. He finds the goopy mess, and puts the Hornswoggle hat back on him. Undertaker is going to use a spell from the Misfits song “Halloween” and he says, “lfhjkdfflkhardlkf;hiewfljhfj,” and Hornswoggle, covered in his own melted flesh, becomes a normal size man in his old clothes.

He was mad…Undertaker was mad because Rock said he couldn’t replace Paul Scheer on Ballers.

Hornswoggle will testify at the trial against the Rock… the trial of the murder of Hornswoggle.

Also Dwayne Johnson owns all pot dispensaries south of San Diego.

The devil is angry that the UnderTaker undone his work, and he’s going to fight him. He knows the only way to fight the UnderTaker is to see him at WrestleMania. The devil doesn’t know the difference between shadow people and real people. He knows at the recombination chamber is at WrestleMania, and that if wants to take him down he has to go to WrestleMania. The devil looks at the moon, “I’m going to undertake a WrestleMania!” The devil cuts a promo on taker: “I’m going to undertake at WrestleMania, and you’re all coming back to hell.”

The road to WrestleMania is actually a road, like a physical road. Watch out Cormack McCarthy.

The funniest horse in the world is with Cormack McCarthy, he’s the only person who can understand the horse, his brain is a super computer located in heaven. Heaven and hell are coming together at WrestleMania in the recombination chamber. Cormack McCarthy wants heaven and hell to come into he chamber to recombine. Ever since God made them brand split into heaven and hell, Cormack has not been happy. Cormack can see so many different realities that he sees potential facts, and doesn’t write fiction. :O

While this whole ruckus is happening on the road to WrestleMania, all the…. it cuts back to Bigfoot, and he’s watching the wrestlers skipping while linking g arms. And the camera shows his legs, and then he camera pans up and it’s Stone Cold Steve Austin. He smashes wine bottles together.

When he realizes that if Ballers goes on for any longer, he’ll have enough money to buy the dispensary. So, he has to go to WrestleMania on 3/16. Stone cold says “The Rock, your 9/11 is gonna be 3/16.”

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